Jack Bauer Facts:
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer sees the glass as a deadly weapon.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he wanted to kill her himself.
Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 Cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle an alligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
... and on the seventh day, Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer appeared on television.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead ... once.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families.
But statistics don't lie.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef - then it's fucking beef.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Lets get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
When Special Forces raided an Afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
There's no point in crying over spilt milk ... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyone's lines are translated except for Jack's. Nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and with more deaths.
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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